Last Line of Defence
by Kyizi
Summary: Jack prepares for a mission...his last. (SJR)
1. All I Have

**Last Line of Defence**

**By Kyizi**

**Disclaimer:** Stargate: SG1 and all related items do not belong to me. Only the Story and its related original ideas and characters are mine. No copyright infringement intended.

**Rating:** I think this one is likely to end up R rated.

**Spoilers:** This is set around season 4/5. I started writing it ages ago and, with everything that's been happening of late (I haven't seen season 8 yet, but seasons 6 and 7 don't work with this one), its best is stays set around then.

**Distribution:** Please ask, the answer will likely be yes. 

**Feedback:** is a gift. It's nice to give.

**Dedication:** For Jill, who lets me torture her with fic and lets me watch her as she reads it!

**Notes:** I had huge plans for this one, but my fingers are turning it into something it wasn't meant to be. Not that I've changed the plot, or that it's a bad thing, per se, it's just not what I had in mind. Therefore, any and all comments would be greatly appreciated.

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**Part One: All I have**

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I've never really been one for silence, at least not silence like this. It's almost permeable. Big word, I know, but that's exactly what it is, permeable. I could reach out and touch it and it would shatter; like hitting a piece of glass with a hammer.

No one's looking at me but her and I can't meet her gaze, because if I do I know I won't have the strength to say what I need to say. I don't think she's ever really understood that she can do that to me; make me hers with a single glance, make me want to do whatever it takes to make her happy.

"It's the only way," I say. My voice should be shaking, but I won't let it. I won't let her see that I'm scared, I can't let her see that I'm scared because then she could stop me; she'd look at me and her eyes would make me change my mind.

"Are you sure about this, Colonel?"

Am I sure about this? God, no, I'm not sure. Do I want to do this? This isn't about want, it's about need…this needs to be done and I'm the only one that can do it. I know that, Hammond knows that, Teal'c knows that and, deep down, so does she.

"I'm sure, General." My voice shouldn't be allowed to be this steady. "We've exhausted all other options. There's nothing else, there's no other way out. Apophis has to be stopped."

I let my words hang in the air around me, filling that silence for a brief moment. We all know it's the truth, but that sure as hell doesn't make this any easier. But this isn't about easy.

Apophis. God, I hate that name. How many times have we killed this guy already? And yet he keeps on coming back for more. This time was different, though, this time he wasn't alone. God, I'm not even convinced it _is_ Apophis, but that doesn't really matter, does it? This still has to be done.

The guy turned up again not even a month ago and I'm still not sure how he got so powerful. Tok'Ra losses are still coming in from the last battle, our resources are so far beyond their limits that the Stargate project is becoming more than simply rumour and, God, she almost died last time we bumped into him off world. She really could die next time. This is the only way to do it. I have to keep reminding myself of that or I'll crumble under her gaze.

"Okay." I start at General Hammond's voice. He clears his throat and nods resignedly. I know this is hard for him. I'm a part of his family, I get that, I really do. He's a part of mine as well. "Then I guess it's settled. We'll debrief at 0600 tomorrow. You'll leave at 1000 hours."

I nod, but I'm not really looking at him; I'm looking past him. This is my last night on earth. Tomorrow will be the last time I sit in this room; the last time I see my house; the last time I use the coffee machine; …the last time I see her.

I can't stop myself this time. I turn to her. Sam. I don't think I can bear the way she's looking at me; her face is a mask, but her eyes are filled with pain, they're brimming with tears. This is my last night on earth, that's something I can deal with…well, almost. This is my last night with her, that's...hell.

"General, I…" I falter. What the hell am I meant to say? How the hell can I possibly put it into words? God, they all know what I want, they have to know, but I don't know how to ask for it.

I might not know how to ask, but I need to. "General, if I'm going to die tomorrow, then there's one thing I'd like to…there's something I need to-"

"Consider yourself retired until 0600 tomorrow, Jack." I take a deep breath. I guess they do know. "Dismissed."

I can hear Hammond moving, can almost see him in my peripheral vision as he leaves the room, but that's a goodbye I can leave 'til tomorrow; when I'm ready to accept it.

"O'Neill."

I force my gaze away from her; my 2IC. No, my former 2IC, I'm retired until tomorrow and then…well, then nothing. I look at Teal'c and offer him a small smile.

"O'Neill, I do not believe we have exhausted all options, I think-"

"Come on, Teal'c. We both know that's not true. If there was any other way, I'd jump at the chance, but there isn't."

"But Doctor Jackson-"

"-is off world." I swallow the lump in my throat as I realise I'll never get the chance to say goodbye to Daniel. "And maybe it's better that way."

"I do not believe that Doctor Jackson will feel that way."

"Perhaps not, Teal'c, but I think we all know Daniel would end up doing something stupid to stop this and we can't afford to miss this chance." I don't add that he's another of those few people who could stand a chance of talking me out of this. I'll write him a letter; its better that way, I know it is. I just wish I could believe that.

Teal'c looks as if he wants to say more, but he doesn't. I watch as he turns his eyes to Sam, but he doesn't say anything to her. He inclines his head in my direction and I know that this isn't finished with him, but he won't push anymore tonight.

"I will continue this discussion at 0600. Perhaps meditation can help me with a solution."

"You do that, Teal'c."

He nods once more and, in a rare moment, places his hand on Sam's shoulder as he passes, giving it a brief squeeze. As the door closed behind him, I turn to look at her again. She's not bothering to stop her tears anymore. I don't think I can do this.

"Why?" she whispers. "Why you?"

I try to smile, but I'm not sure it's working. "Because I'm the most expendable."

"Don't say that!" she yells. "You are _not_ expendable."

I can't stand that she's in pain, but I know there's not much I can do. I stand and walk to her side of the table, perching on the end of it. "Because I'll make sure it gets done."

"If I can just figure out the force field on the Gate, I can get us _all_ in. Give me a day or two and Teal'c and I can go with you and-"

"There's no time and we both know it. The marker Jolinar left in your blood and Teal'c's symbiant won't go away and this needs to be done now, while we have the upper hand. You know what the information your father sent us said. That alarm will go off if you or Teal'c go anywhere near that planet."

"I know!" she cries. "I know, but-"

"No buts. Not this time, Sam."

I'm not sure what it is that caught her off guard, maybe my tone of voice, maybe her first name, but I don't care; she's looking at me like 'that' and that's all that matters. She gazes at me, wide eyed as I reach out my hand and trace her jaw. God, I've wanted to do that for so long, I guess this is fate's only way of giving it to me: on the condition that I have to give it back tomorrow at 0600 hours.

"Colonel, we-"

"Jack." I smile." I'm retired at the moment. It's just Jack."

Her tears began to fall harder and I brush them away before pulling her to her feet. I can't do this if she falls apart. I need her to be strong. I need her to understand. I need her to…I just need her.

"Come on."

I lead her from the room. This is all I have left; she is all I have left and I intend to make the most of it. Because tomorrow I have to give her back.

xxxxx

**End of Part One**

Well? Is this a 'keep going', or a 'leave it at that'? I have the whole plot ready, but I'm not sure I can keep it up in first person. I want it to be written that way, but I'm not entirely sure it's…well, Jack. I intend to change POV throughout, but it would remain in first person, present tense. What do you think?


	2. Not Ready To Say It

**Last Line of Defence**

**By Kyizi**

**Disclaimer:** Stargate: SG1 and all related items do not belong to me. Only the Story and its related original ideas and characters are mine. No copyright infringement intended.

**Rating:** I think this one is likely to end up R rated.

**Spoilers:** This is set around season 4/5. I started writing it ages ago and, with everything that's been happening of late (I haven't seen season 8 yet, but seasons 6 and 7 don't work with this one), its best is stays set around then.

**Distribution:** Please ask, the answer will likely be yes.

**Feedback:** is a gift. It's nice to give.

**Dedication:** For Jill, who lets me torture her with fic and lets me watch her as she reads it!

**Notes:** Wow…I really appreciate the response to the first chapter. I'm glad you like the idea. This one is all planned, but I'm not sure it's coming across the way I want it. This chapter is also the second closest - or closest! - I've ever come to writing smut and, once again, it's SG1. I'm not sure it's the way you'd all want it to happen, but it felt right.

Please let me know what you think. This one _does_ have more of a plot to come, but I'm dealing more with the characters in this one. The first half of this story (as a whole) is from Jack's POV, which is where we are now, and the second half will be from Sam's. I reckon there'll be about five from Jack in total before I switch to Sam, but don't quote me on that!

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**Part Two: Not Ready To Say It**

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There's something freeing about the knowledge that this is the last time I get to do anything. It's like being back in one of those time loops. I have no more consequences; I won't be here to face them. I guess it's cowardly of me to do this, to finally take that step towards her when I have to run in the opposite direction tomorrow. She's all I have left, she's everything to me and I'm not quite sure that she realises how much it hurts to know that I'll have to leave her.

I glance at her as she sits beside me, wringing her hands in her lap. She's beautiful; I can't even remember if I've ever told her that. She's so beautiful that it catches me off guard sometimes. Mostly I have to force myself to look at her as nothing more than my 2IC, despite the fact that she's everything else to me as well.

The ride to my house is in silence and, when I reach the driveway, I'm almost unsure how to break it. She's here. She's here and this time it isn't because the guys are coming round for pizza and a DVD, it isn't because she's trying to talk me out of, or into, doing something…it's because this is all we have left; a few stolen hours and nothing but the fact that I love her to stop me from falling apart.

"There's something…something else I want to do."

"Charlie," she says softly, nodding. It amazes me that some knows me so well. I never thought I'd ever have that. Sara was my wife and I loved her so much, but she and I never knew each other like that; Sara could never tell anyone what I was thinking, because she never knew; Sam would never tell anyone what I was thinking, because she'd never break my trust.

"Yeah."

The silence surrounds us again and I'm suddenly worried that she isn't here because she wants to be, but because she's giving an old friend his dying wish. I look at her and we lock eyes…and I know that's not true.

"Can I come?"

I smile a little and nod, not quite trusting my voice. I start up the car and head back out onto the road, probably going a little faster than I'm legally supposed to, but I don't really care.

By the time the graveyard is in view, the light is dimming in the world around us. My night's beginning to draw to a close and I feel closed in; I feel like I won't have enough time to say goodbye. She reaches out and takes my hand, squeezing lightly and it gives me the strength I needed. I open the door, hearing her do the same, and slowly make my way around the car.

We walk to the grave in silence, hearing the crunch of gravel underfoot. I never liked visiting his grave, simply because it was like letting go; like saying goodbye to him and that's something I've never really wanted to do. Now I have to let go and it scares the shit out of me. I feel like I'm losing him again and the only thing that's keeping me grounded is her hand in mine, anchoring me to the fact that I still have something to live for until 0600 tomorrow.

I stop in front of his grave, not quite sure what I'm supposed to do now that I'm here. Do I drop to my knees and give a heartfelt goodbye? Am I meant to cry? Because I'm not sure I'll be able to close the dam once I've opened it. Am I meant to say something meaningful? Or is it just enough to be here?

I reach out, bending slightly so that my fingertips graze the top of the stone and suddenly I'm on my knees. She's still standing beside me, holding my hand, but I feel as if I'm so far away from her. I'm standing in my garden and my son is looking at me with that grin of his and a baseball bat in his hand.

I want to say so many things to him; I want to tell him everything I wanted for his life; everything I wanted for mine. I want to tell him how much I miss him and how much I love him. I want to tell him that I'm sorry…but the words won't come. And…somehow, it doesn't matter, because I think he knows.

I don't know how long we've been here, keeping vigil by Charlie's grave, but when I finally move, my legs are tingling painfully and it's completely dark. Part of me wants to yell because I've already spent half my night with the dead when I can do that tomorrow; I'll be joining them. But I know it was something I had to do. I had to let go a little before I could live a lot. I only wish I'd realised that while I had more life to live. Maybe then I'd have more than one stolen night before I die.

Standing shakily on my legs, I find myself leaning on her. She's always there to steady me, but I think that's something that goes both ways with us. She knows she can always count on me and I know she's always there.

"Come on," she says softly. "Let's get you home."

I nod and allow her to lead me to the car, taking my seat behind the wheel with only a little argument. I want to drive, it's my last night of being in control of my life and I'm going to take every little damn thing I can get.

Wow, I wondered how long it would take before my anger reared its ugly head. I'm going to ignore it because what's the use in getting angry? Yeah, so I'm pissed off. Okay, so this wasn't exactly how I imagined going out of the world. I know it's meant to be heroic, dying for your country, but at this moment in time, I really don't give a damn. I feel cheated. I've got a beautiful woman that I love sitting right next to me and the only reason for that is because I have to walk into a death trap tomorrow. Yeah, that's fair.

"Jack…we're here."

Her voice jerks me a little and I look around, realising that we're sitting in my drive way. Even the engine is off and I have no recollection of doing that. I sigh and rub a hand through my hair, as if it'll solve all my problems.

"Come on," I say, offering her a sad smile. "Want some coffee?"

A smile plays on her lips and I get the innuendo. Well, let's be honest, she knows that's what I'm really asking her in for anyway. I laugh and shake my head. This is what I need; normality. Not that there's anything about this situation that is in any way normal.

We make our way into the house; turning on the lights, locking the door behind us, hanging up our jackets…it's all so normal. And so alien. Everything around me seems different and I'm not sure if it's because it's the last time I'll come home at night, or because she's here with me. I guess I'll never know. I'm not even sure why I care.

I walk into the kitchen and fill up the kettle, eliciting a small laugh from her. I turn to her and wiggle my eyebrows, trying to keep everything light. I plug in the kettle and pull out a couple of mugs.

"Tea or coffee?" I ask, not turning around.

In response, her hand touches my arm and I turn, not quite sure when she approached. Her eyes are pleading with me, but what they're asking me I don't know. To stay? To stop the charade? I'm not sure I can do either.

She takes the mugs from my hand and slips between me and the counter, looking up at me with those big blue eyes and I'm lost. I close the distance in record time and kiss her soundly. This is what I've wanted to do for so long and now that she's finally in my arms it's almost bittersweet.

I kiss her with everything I have, letting her know just how much I want her. It doesn't take long for me to divest her of her clothes; about as long as it takes her to get rid of mine. This isn't how I imagined it happening; fucking her against my kitchen counter, but it's more than that. Somehow this is the way it was bound to happen. I finally have her, she's finally mine and I don't think either of us were willing to wait for loving words and slow, sweet release. We can do that later, for now it's just the way it's meant to be; years of want finally being fulfilled.

Entering her is about the best feeling I've ever experienced; warm, tight, wet, and willing. She's here because she wants me as much as I want her and she's showing it with those moans and cries. I really couldn't care less if the entire street can hear her; I want them to.

With one last grunt, I'm released and she follows quickly after. Our breathing is all that can be heard and it's just perfect. She's mine. I'm hers. Tomorrow can wait, because right now I think it's time to show her and tell her exactly what she means to me. Right now, it's time to do this properly.

"I love you," she whispers and I smile.

"I know."

I might not be ready to say it, because that means goodbye…right now, I'll just have to show her.

xxxxx

**End of Part Two**

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Okay, as I said, not sure if this is exactly what you were all looking for from them getting together, but it was what seemed right. Please let me know what you think and I'll try to have the next part ready soon!


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